Sans Soleil
by babyhorse
Summary: He feels numb. But losing something you never really had at all can do that to a person.


Life was coming at him in flashes.

Flash. The sound of a door slamming as he ran for his truck. Flash. He was swerving wildly to overtake some slow fucker in a red car. Flash. He was running towards an Emergency sign. Flash. Shelby's heartbroken face.

He couldn't breathe.

* * *

Shelby explained that Beth had meningococcal, a virus that attacked the blood or something but he couldn't bring himself to concentrate on her words. He wanted to see her, see Beth.

Shelby seemed a little frustrated when she had to explain to him again that no one could see Beth, she was quarantined. His little girl was contagious, and he didn't like the defeated tone in Shelby's voice but he held the older woman anyway.

* * *

Quinn arrived soon after, he barely remembered texting her. Her eyes were puffy and red as she rushed in, quickly followed by Santana and Brittany. Shelby detached herself from his embrace and quietly spoke to Quinn, and Santana threw him a knowing bitch glare.

He expected hysterics from Quinn, accusations of bad parenting, but she was silent and dignified and beautiful as she cried openly. Santana and Brit flocked her, comforting their friend.

Quinn had been acting crazy since Beth came into their lives, and now their lives were crazy.

Puck prayed that she wouldn't leave his life, ever.

* * *

The doctor gathered them together the next afternoon, Santana and Brittany had been replaced by Quinn's parents and Puck felt uneasy under Russell's stare. Still he found it easier to concentrate on Russell's anger than his own unbearable sadness.

Beth would be gone soon.

* * *

It happened at 9.23. He couldn't cry. Shelby and Quinn had cried bucket loads, even Russell and Judy had the decency to cry.

He felt numb.

He stepped into the hospital room to say his last goodbyes and found Quinn cradling the little girl who was so much a part of her. Her soft sobs constricting his heart.

He ran down the hallway and lost his lunch.

Still no tears.

* * *

He dropped Shelby off at her condo at 3am.

He walked her to her door, going through the motions as if the most important person in his life wasn't just... gone.

He awkwardly mumbled a goodbye or something like it.

Then there was no air as he spotted the clownpig on the fridge. Suddenly he couldn't stop the onslaught of tears that seemed to hurt his whole body.

Shelby was by his side immediately, her awkwardness over their kiss a few weeks earlier very forgotten as she mothered him. Whispering in his ear, sweet soothing kisses on his cheek and then his forehead and then something came over the both of them as their mouths met, a mixture of anger and hurt and passion.

Their tears mingling as they took comfort in each other. They were both feeling this unbearable pain.

* * *

Shelby asked him to leave after.

He pulled over on the way home and threw up again. Sex was supposed to make you feel better, but he knew he would never be better again.

He'd never considered a sexual encounter to be a mistake before this.

* * *

Rachel held his hand at the funeral.

She cried. Her dads cried. Shelby cried. Russell and Judy cried. His mom and sister cried. Even Hudson cried a little.

But he and Quinn didn't. It was too much.

* * *

He was surprised later when he opened the door to find Quinn on his doorstep, still in her back dress from the afternoon. He moved aside to let her in, silently watching as she climbed his mother's staircase.

* * *

He found her sitting on his bed. Determination in her eyes. Beth's eyes. It was too much.

She kissed him as he sat beside her. Her lips soft and tender, and it wasn't until he tasted her tears that he pulled away.

"What is wrong with you?"

"We could be a family." Tears were streaming silently down her face now.

He stood up, walking a safe distance away beside the door.

"You said that to me. Sophomore year."

Her eyes were so green, the same as Beth's. And it hurt him to look at them.

"We can still have it Puck."

He shook his head. Fighting the tears. "Beth's gone."

She stood now, slowly making her way over to him. She circled an arm around his back and brought him closer. "We could still make a family?"

There was a pleading and a questioning in her voice that was so unlike her. She was always so sure of herself, despite her wild mood swings.

When he really thought about what she was asking he felt disgusted. They had just buried their baby in the ground and she wanted to... well from what he could gather she wanted them to make more.

Like they could forget and start again. He felt sick, he would never forget.

"Get out." It was a whisper.

He was angry now. How dare she come here. How dare she expect anything from him.

"Get out!"

He watched as she left, her sobs audible as she made her way down the hall. He just collapsed in his bed, wanting to shut out the world.

* * *

He returned to school two weeks later. Trying to pretend that everything was ok, even though he was fully aware that nothing would ever be ok.

Pretending was his sanctuary, he could imagine Beth off somewhere with Shelby. Growing up. Living the life he had always wanted for her.

Quinn's face shattered his fantasy though. She looked devastated. And he supposed he didn't look any better.

It was another week before he built up the courage to talk to her again.

"I never thought I'd say no to you."

She was sitting on the grass. Her sad eyes met his.

"I never knew this heartbreak existed."

Her eyes filled with tears, and he felt the sting as well. And before he could over think it he knelt down and cradled her in his arms.

* * *

That weekend they visited the cemetery.

She was easy to find, it was the most colourful spot in there. The flowers piled high. A reminder of all the people who had loved and will miss her.

He took Quinn's hand in his own as they stared down at their daughters final resting place.

"We'll get through this." He told her. "But we will never forget."

Now that she was gone that was what he was most afraid of. Forgetting her. And he knew it was Quinn's biggest fear too. But right then, in that very moment with Quinn by his side he knew that no matter what happened Beth would live on within both their hearts. They would make sure of it.


End file.
